I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
