i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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