he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
