im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
