1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
