Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize