I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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