i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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