You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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