I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
