I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
