just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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