This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize