Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
