I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
