Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
