he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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