So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
