HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
