I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
