I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize