it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
