I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
