Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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