yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
