i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
