Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
