my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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