life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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