I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
