Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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