I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
