someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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