Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
