Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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