So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
