im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
