i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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