ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
