Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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