maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
