god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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