oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
