I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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