Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
