The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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