She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
