I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
