if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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