Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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