How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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