I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The adults are the big ones right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
