Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
