My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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