Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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