we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
